I’m tired of chasing things

Not just materialistic things. Dream career, early retirement, successful business, and maybe fame. I guess it stemmed from the need to impress someone. I remember before my flight home after university. My dad said something along the line, “I had to buy these things, because the trip wouldn’t be worth it otherwise”. I ran and sob. Was my graduation itself not worth it.

Okay, perhaps I was being over-sensitive. Growing up I had always made my parents choose my path. Is it better to choose computing or economics? They never actually decided for me. I put it up upon myself to pick the right choice and hope that they’ll be proud of me.

I followed up by getting a well-paying job. The lack of acknowledgement destroyed me. And I’m not even talking about my parents anymore. I didn’t realise it back then but I let my need for attention destroy me. Which is weird because I dislike being in the limelight.

But somehow, that was what I was chasing. And when I found out I can get more attention, friends and followers by doing adventurous things. I chased them. Travel to dangerous places, go on all sort of business ventures. Let’s do it. Life is calling. I took on so many dreams. Dreams that wasn’t mine (My childhood dreams was made of flying ships, tree houses and super powers).

This is when I started being unhappy. There’s always something to do, goals to achieve. But at the same time, the very things I chase were the lessons I needed.

I travelled, I met new people. I learned their aspirations. I learned that mine doesn’t have to be the same. I also stayed at home. Learn that I have enough and how lucky I am to have a supportive and loving family.

I know my parents are proud of me. They didn’t tell me but I heard it from the stories of their friends. Maybe they’re just not good at expressing things. I know I’m not. That is why I’m deciding to slow down.

To be content. To be enough.