Living is Believing

A friend asked yesterday if I really believe I have kids already. I answered briefly, “yeah”. Non nonchalantly, I added, “living is believing”. She said some people go through mid life crisis after delayed realisation. I didn’t say much more.

Time and time again a theme cross my mind either through thoughts or conversations — You lived your life. Of the many times I think about how things should have been and how it would have been, I’ve simply told myself, I’ve lived my life. A teacher used to say, “You only live til you’re 30, anything after that is a bonus”.

When we had our first child, it was a novel experience. It was something that we have been wanting so I didn’t put much thought into it. I saw it as a grace. Me and my wife have little in common so having something or someone we both share felt like a good thing and it was.

Before my first daughter was born, I even managed to do my last solo-travel to India. Watching her grow was of course wonderful. I could still chase my own dreams, do my own thing. Life moves on.

But When I got news of my second child, it was a different experience. Somehow, I felt like my life was over. And I rejected my reality. And this part of my life is still the one I regretted the most. I closed off and was absent both physically and mentally.

It took me a while to be alright. It will never be enough. The things I wanted. Which I come to realise, aren’t even things I truly want. I love my daughter, both of them.

So if someone ask me if I can believe in my reality of being a parent. Hell yeah. And I now spend every waking moment realising again and again how wonderful it is to be one. Despite the times when I want to pull my hair out. I can safely say, yeah, “living is believing”.