Nuances in Good-Bad Relationships

I’ve written this piece to explore my feeling about my head of department’s resignation. In retrospect, there are many things I’m sincerely thankful for her but I’ll be lying if my life wasn’t part miserable because of her. I know she isn’t to blame for that part of my life. In the end, despite the bad, I get to experience the good part too. The travel and friendship I found following the dark times wouldn’t have been there if it wasn’t preceded by the events at work. Things aren’t black and white so the writing below isn’t accurate but I decided, in the end, to leave it as is because it was what I’ve felt.

When I heard the news earlier that morning, I was happy. After all, there were days in the past when I told myself that she’ll be gone one day and everything will be better. But looking at my colleague’s face, I controlled my excitement.

The day goes on with everyone gossiping about the news. Of course, I was worried too. There’s so much uncertainty, but I care most about what’s in the future for me than for anyone else. We romanticised about being sentimental. Which to a certain degree, I sympathised. On the flipside, just a few days ago I fantasized about strangling a certain someone for the greater good.

When she announced the news personally, all I could do was to thank her for her mentorship. Frankly, I did learn quite a lot from her. And no doubt, she played a role in shaping my professional image. I do respect her for her drive. Regardless of whether I truly agreed with her direction, I complied nonetheless, most days.

I’m scared that things will fall apart or people’s drive changes. I worry about directions and the uncertainties. I waited for this day but now that its here, I don’t know how to react. I’m sad, that’s certain. Angry, a bit. To people — for their ego, to my boss — for her ego, to myself — certainly for my ego. Happy? I’m not sure. But life moves on, we adapt.

Am I being my better self when the news was announced. Will I continue to be better at what I do. Am I showing good character. And more importantly, am I aware of how I’m feeling and whether I’m being good or merely showing an acceptable facade.

I’ve sent her a thank you message. It says how grateful I was to be under her tutelage. How thankful I am for how she shaped myself and my work. I also apologised for being rude to her when I did and wished her the best.